In his popular ’60’s song ‘Breaking up is hard to do’ Neil Sedaka manages to cover quite a few of the emotions around breaking up. He invokes memories (“remember when you held me tight”); pleads (“Don’t take your love away”); hoping (“Wish we we could make up”) and pain (“Don’t leave my heart in misery”). Unfortunately the clips I have seen of him singing this song show him quite happy looking (perhaps all the money this song made for him?) and not very emotional.
However, as those who have broken up with a loved one will testify, it is one of the most painful experiences in life - one that can make trusting others and starting another relationship difficult. Why is breaking up so traumatic and what can you do to survive?
Finding someone special, someone that you plan to spend the rest of your life with is an extraordinary feeling. One that is driven along by chemicals the body produces. And one in particular, dopamine, is of key importance. Dopamine is the ‘feel good’ hormone and can be addictive. For those in the first months of their relationship, if your partner breaks up with you the potential loss of this feel-good drug can be almost like withdrawal from heroin use. The body still craves the drug, but in the end has to rebalance itself to having less dopamine.
For those in longer term relationships the loss of a partner, even if you are the one initiating the break-up, involves the loss of your imagined future and forces you to consider a different future - one without the one who you thought was going to be with you for the rest of your life. There can also be feelings of shame that you haven’t managed to sort things out and feelings of failure for the same reason. You can also worry about what others will think of you and finally don’t forget that this was the person that you trusted and thought they were looking out for you. Your ability to judge is brought into question.
Breaking up is in some ways like a accepting a death. It’s the loss of someone dear to you and the loss of all those plans and happy times you had spent hours talking about. The future becomes bleak. And, just as we have to accept the death of someone and go through a grieving process, so it is with a breakup. But perhaps even harder is that the person is probably still around and may get into another relationship. And of course being able to watch from a distance through electronic media (Facebook etc) doesn’t help the process. So don’t.
So what to do? Well, unfortunately, you do have to go through the pain of loss. I wish it was easier. But burying your emotional turmoil will just not help as it will surface again when you are least expecting it. Talking to a close friend or therapist can help. In a safe environment you can explore what happened - not to see if you can sort things out, but to learn and move on. Explore the good, not so good and the awful things about the relationship. Remember why it couldn’t work.
How long does it take? I’m sorry there’s no answer to this. But be careful that you don’t begin to enjoy the drama and pain. When your friends avoid you, realise that maybe it is time to make the effort to move on. This might be weeks or months or even longer.
But if you want to enjoy life again, you do have to move on - at a time right for you. Begin to take up activities again. At first you probably won’t want to socialise, but keep trying. Gradually the memories will fade - except when that favourite song is played on the radio or when you walk by your favourite restaurant. Then you will have to accept that surge of emotional sadness. But life can get better. And to quote another song, this time by Gloria Gaynor - “I will survive".
Finding someone special, someone that you plan to spend the rest of your life with is an extraordinary feeling. One that is driven along by chemicals the body produces. And one in particular, dopamine, is of key importance. Dopamine is the ‘feel good’ hormone and can be addictive. For those in the first months of their relationship, if your partner breaks up with you the potential loss of this feel-good drug can be almost like withdrawal from heroin use. The body still craves the drug, but in the end has to rebalance itself to having less dopamine.
For those in longer term relationships the loss of a partner, even if you are the one initiating the break-up, involves the loss of your imagined future and forces you to consider a different future - one without the one who you thought was going to be with you for the rest of your life. There can also be feelings of shame that you haven’t managed to sort things out and feelings of failure for the same reason. You can also worry about what others will think of you and finally don’t forget that this was the person that you trusted and thought they were looking out for you. Your ability to judge is brought into question.
Breaking up is in some ways like a accepting a death. It’s the loss of someone dear to you and the loss of all those plans and happy times you had spent hours talking about. The future becomes bleak. And, just as we have to accept the death of someone and go through a grieving process, so it is with a breakup. But perhaps even harder is that the person is probably still around and may get into another relationship. And of course being able to watch from a distance through electronic media (Facebook etc) doesn’t help the process. So don’t.
So what to do? Well, unfortunately, you do have to go through the pain of loss. I wish it was easier. But burying your emotional turmoil will just not help as it will surface again when you are least expecting it. Talking to a close friend or therapist can help. In a safe environment you can explore what happened - not to see if you can sort things out, but to learn and move on. Explore the good, not so good and the awful things about the relationship. Remember why it couldn’t work.
How long does it take? I’m sorry there’s no answer to this. But be careful that you don’t begin to enjoy the drama and pain. When your friends avoid you, realise that maybe it is time to make the effort to move on. This might be weeks or months or even longer.
But if you want to enjoy life again, you do have to move on - at a time right for you. Begin to take up activities again. At first you probably won’t want to socialise, but keep trying. Gradually the memories will fade - except when that favourite song is played on the radio or when you walk by your favourite restaurant. Then you will have to accept that surge of emotional sadness. But life can get better. And to quote another song, this time by Gloria Gaynor - “I will survive".
RSS Feed
