Music can be a very powerful tool to help us change our mood and also to distract us. I suggest to some of my clients that they get together a playlist of their favourite tunes which they can listen to when they are beginning to feel down. Or maybe if they are being tempted by their addiction. And it is extraordinary what a difference a song can make. 

I have listed below 20 of my up-beat favourites which I hope you will enjoy. I realise that my younger clients (most of you then) may not have been born before some these were released but trust me either the words or the beat will get you going. And to finish I have a special short video that I look at occasionally when I wonder why the world is sometimes not as good as I would like it. It inspires me (and makes me shed a few tears). 
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Now some of you amateur therapists, or even the professional ones, may try to analyse me based on what I have chosen. Please don’t. Sometimes I choose a song because of the nice music, sometimes because of the words and sometimes because it makes my feet tap. Please just accept them for what they are or perhaps what they may mean to you!

You can find all the songs on YouTube.

1. ‘Shine’ by Take That. Now this is a song that could be the theme song for therapists. I certainly would like it to be mine!!
2. ‘Feel so real' by Steve Arrington. I love the beat of this tune but also how it focuses on how people can have such a strong influence on others, especially when in love. And I hope that we all try to have a positive influence on those we are in daily contact with.
3. ‘I will survive' from Gloria Gaynor. I think this should be the theme tune for everyone who is going through the breakup of a relationship. With a little help all of us can survive.
4.  My first Flashmob video. I just love how everyone gets involved and the amazed and                         confused faces at the start. It’s ‘Let Mr Blue Sky In’ from Cork City in 2009.
5. 'Count on me' by Bruno Mars. This tune is about how if you have close friends they will be there for you. I believe that people are basically good and most of the time, even if it is difficult, can be counted on. This song, I think, reflects this nicely
6. Definitely this song came out before half of my clients were born but I just love the beat and I can play this Diana Ross song, ‘Chain Reaction’ again and again and again!
7.  One singer, Mylène Farmer, is not well known on these shores but her song, ‘Je T'aime             Mélancolie’ has, in my opinion, such a catchy beat and her voice is amazing.
8.  We all need those silly songs on our lists and mine is ‘Happy’ by Pharrell Williams. What on           earth does he mean by “clap along like a room without a roof”? I guess for a therapist we                 need to remember not everything has to have a meaning. It just is.
9. Jess Glynne has a great voice, one that makes me want to sing with her. Not sure if, in 'Hold My Hand', she's talking about a lover or the support that a therapist can give. Probably the former but remember the relationship with a therapist is also close and supportive.
10. I think it's time to include some toe-tappers. So my first is ‘Relight My Fire’ with Take That and Lulu. I must listen to the words more carefully as i think there is a dependency issue here!
11.  Now I have to admit that I am so old that I used to do aerobics to this next one and it still gets me on my feet. Go on, try listening to ‘I’m so Excited’ by the Pointer Sisters without wanting to move!
12.  And my last burst of energy for the moment is ‘High Energy’ sung by Evelyn Thomas.  Another example of a song that I just like and pay no attention to the words.
13.  The words in this next song are quite important and should, I feel, be everyone’s theme song. Gloria Gainer’s powerful song ‘I am what I am’ was adopted by the gay community in the ’80’s and if you listen to it carefully you’ll understand why. But it really is everyone’s song.
14.  Perhaps time to introduce another Flashmob. This one, from 2012, comes from ELO and is called ‘All Over The World’. Great song but I particularly like the thought of everyone across the world getting together the good things of life. I just so wish there was less trouble in the world.
15.  OK. You just have to watch this video and hopefully it will help you realise that is OK to                     make fun of yourself. 10 out of 10 to Out Of The Blue for their interpretation of ‘Hips Don’t Lie’.
16.  Back to a more serious theme. Lola’s Theme from Shapeshifters looks at love and how in a           minute your life can be changed by someone.
17.  Following on from Gloria Gaynor’s ‘I will Survive’ M People’s “Moving On Up’ covers how we can all move on from a relationship especially if we have been hurt by the actions of our partner.
18. And to finish off my last two are really just beat songs, although listen carefully to New Radicals in ‘You Get What You Give’. The words “You’ve got the music in you” emphasises  what I believe is that the right music can be a powerful change mechanism for your life.
19.  Again the words in this song ‘C’est La Vie’ from Robbie Nevil may hit a chord with some   people especially my busy, busy clients in Canary Wharf.
20.  And finally my last video. What can I say - I am just an old romantic and I love the effort  that Alex put in to surprise Anna at this USC show. I’m warning you it’s very difficult not to cry at the end.

 In his popular ’60’s song ‘Breaking up is hard to do’ Neil Sedaka manages to cover quite a few of the emotions around breaking up. He invokes memories (“remember when you held me tight”); pleads (“Don’t take your love away”); hoping (“Wish we we could make up”) and pain (“Don’t leave my heart in misery”). Unfortunately the clips I have seen of him singing this song show him quite happy looking (perhaps all the money this song made for him?) and not very emotional.

However, as those who have broken up with a loved one will testify, it is one of the most painful experiences in life -  one that can make trusting others and starting another relationship difficult. Why is breaking up so traumatic and what can you do to survive?

Finding someone special, someone that you plan to spend the rest of your life with is an extraordinary feeling. One that is driven along by chemicals the body produces. And one in particular, dopamine, is of key importance. Dopamine is the ‘feel good’ hormone and can be addictive. For those in the first months of their relationship, if your partner breaks up with you the potential loss of this feel-good drug can be almost like withdrawal from heroin use. The body still craves the drug, but in the end has to rebalance itself to having less dopamine.

For those in longer term relationships the loss of a partner, even if you are the one initiating the break-up, involves the loss of your imagined future and forces you to consider a different future - one without the one who you thought was going to be with you for the rest of your life. There can also be feelings of  shame that you haven’t managed to sort things out and feelings of failure for the same reason. You can also worry about what others will think of you and finally don’t forget that this was the person that you trusted and thought they were looking out for you. Your ability to judge is brought into question.

Breaking up is in some ways like a accepting a death. It’s the loss of someone dear to you and the loss of all those plans and happy times you had spent hours talking about. The future becomes bleak. And, just as we have to accept the death of someone and go through a grieving process, so it is with a breakup. But perhaps even harder is that the person is probably still around and may get into another relationship. And of course being able to watch from a distance through electronic media (Facebook etc) doesn’t help the process. So don’t.

So what to do? Well, unfortunately, you do have to go through the pain of loss. I wish it was easier. But burying your emotional turmoil will just not help as it will surface again when you are least expecting it. Talking to a close friend or therapist can help. In a safe environment you can explore what happened - not to see if you can sort things out, but to learn and move on. Explore the good, not so good and the awful things about the relationship. Remember why it couldn’t work.

How long does it take? I’m sorry there’s no answer to this. But be careful that you don’t begin to enjoy the drama and pain. When your friends avoid you, realise that maybe it is time to make the effort to move on. This might be weeks or months or even longer. 

But if you want to enjoy life again, you do have to move on - at a time right for you. Begin to take up activities again. At first you probably won’t want to socialise, but keep trying. Gradually the memories will fade - except when that favourite song is played on the radio or when you walk by your favourite restaurant. Then you will have to accept that surge of emotional sadness. But life can get better. And to quote another song, this time by Gloria Gaynor - “I will survive".